How to Develop Self-Compassion

Simply put, self-compassion is turning kindness, empathy, and compassion inwards. It is giving ourselves the same care and understanding we would give to a close friend or loved one.

Some of the benefits of self-compassion include greater stress coping and stress tolerance, enhanced feelings of authenticity and well-being, improved relationships with others, and, contrary to what we may think, self-compassion actually increases motivation and resilience. Lower levels of self-compassion are linked to higher anxiety, depression, and symptoms of stress.

Kristen Neff, one of the pioneers of research in the area self-compassion, shares that there are 3 fundamental components to self-compassion:

Kindness

Self-kindness involves being warm and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate, in a similar way we might respond to a friend. Self-kindness can challenge our inner critic when it shows up.

Common Humanity

Recognizing that imperfection and failure is part of the common human experience and we are not alone in our suffering. By recognizing our common humanity, we tend to feel less isolated and more connected to others.

Mindfulness

Acknowledging and accepting our painful emotions, without judgement or resistance.

One of the easiest ways we can begin to develop self-compassion is to simply notice when our inner critic shows up. We often speak to ourselves in a way that we would never speak to a friend or a loved one. For example, if you made a mistake at work, your inner critic could show up and say, “you obviously didn’t work hard enough. You’ve let everyone down!” Imagine how you might respond differently to a friend. We may respond with more kindness and gentleness and say, “You did your best. Everyone makes mistakes sometimes.”

If you are interested in cultivating greater self-compassion, Kristen Neff has provided a number of exercises and guided activities to enhance self-compassion on her website https://self-compassion.org/category/exercises/#exercises

References

Germer, C. K., & Neff, K. D. (2013). Self-compassion in clinical practice. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 69(8), 856–867. https://doi.org/10.1002/jclp.22021

Neff, K. D. (2003a). Development and validation of a scale to measure self-compassion. Self and Identity, 2, 223-250.

Neff, K. D. (2003b). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity, 2, 85–102.

Neff, K. and Germer, C. (2022). The role of self-compassion in psychotherapy. World Psychiatry, 21: 58-59. https://doi.org/10.1002/wps.20925