What to Expect in Gottman Method Couples Therapy
Starting couples therapy can feel both hopeful and intimidating. Many couples wonder what the process will look like, how it differs from individual therapy, and what role the therapist will play. When working with a therapist with training in the Gottman Method, couples therapy has a clear structure, a strong research foundation, and a focus on strengthening the relationship—not assigning blame.
Below is an overview of the principles of the Gottman Method of couples therapy, what to expect, and some important ways couples therapy differs from individual therapy.
The Principles of The Gottman Method: A Relationship-Centered Approach
The Gottman Method is based on decades of research by Drs. John and Julie Gottman, who studied thousands of couples to understand what helps relationships thrive—or fail. From that research, The Gottman Method has been developed to focus on:
Improving communication and conflict management
Increasing emotional connection and friendship between partners
Reducing negative interaction patterns
Building shared meaning and long-term relationship goals
Rather than simply “talking about problems,” Gottman-informed therapy is an active, skills-based, and collaborative therapy that allows couples to change the way they dialogue about their challenges and facilitate understanding of their partners experience.
Differences between individual and couples therapy
The Client
In individual therapy, the individual is the client. The therapist’s role is to support that person’s goals, well-being, and growth.
In couples therapy, the relationship itself is the client. This means:
· The therapist is not “on one person’s side”
· Sessions are not about deciding who is right or wrong
· Interventions are chosen based on what best serves the health of the relationship as a whole.
Both partners’ experiences matter, but the guiding question is always: What helps this relationship function in a healthier, more connected way?
This can feel unfamiliar at first—especially for people who have done individual therapy before—but it is a cornerstone of effective couples work.
Individual Sessions in Couples Therapy: How They’re Different
Many Gottman Method therapists include individual sessions as part of the couples therapy process, especially during the assessment phase. Individual sessions allow for the therapist to learn more about each member of the couple and some of the dynamics within the relationship. These sessions are not the same as individual therapy. While the individual sessions gather information about each person in the couple, information gathered in the individual sessions is intended to be used to inform couples sessions.
No Secrets Policy
A key feature of ethical couples therapy is a no secrets policy. This means:
Information shared in individual sessions is not kept confidential from the partner if it directly affects the relationship
The therapist will not hold secrets that could create conflicts of interest or undermine the therapy process and their work with the relationship
If something important comes up individually, the therapist will help and support the individual to find a way to bring it into the couple’s work safely and constructively
This policy protects both partners and the integrity of the therapy, allowing the best interest of the relationship (the client) to always be at the forefront of therapy. Secret-keeping can unintentionally place the therapist in the role of ally to one partner, which can damage trust and stall progress or undermine the therapist’s ability to act in the best interest of the relationship.
Importantly, this does not mean therapists force disclosures abruptly or without support. The goal is transparency that serves healing—not harm.
Couples Therapy Is Not Two Individual Therapies at Once
Another common misconception is that couples therapy is simply individual therapy with another person in the room. This is not the case. Couples therapy focuses on interaction patterns, not just internal experiences, with the therapist observing patterns of communication in real time and sharing insights on their observations. Based on their observations, the therapist introduces tools and structures for dialoguing to develop new skills and patterns. Change happens through shared insight, new skills, and practicing different ways of relating to each other.
You may spend less time exploring childhood history or individual diagnoses and more time learning how to:
Express needs without criticism or defensiveness
Listen with empathy rather than preparing a rebuttal
Understanding the different subjective experiences in relational patterns
Repair conversations after conflict
Strengthen friendship, appreciation, and emotional safety
Couples Therapy Process:
Structure and Assessment Are Part of the Process
Gottman Method couples therapy is typically more structured than other approaches. Early sessions often include:
A detailed relationship assessment
Questionnaires measuring friendship, commitment, conflict, trust, and intimacy
Observation of how the couple discusses difficult topics
This information helps the therapist tailor interventions to your specific relationship rather than using a one-size-fits-all approach.
It’s Skills-Based, Not Just Insight-Based
While insight is valuable, Gottman Method therapy places strong emphasis on practical skills you can use outside the therapy room. These tools can include, but are not limited to:
Softened startup for difficult conversations
Turning toward instead of away from bids for connection
Managing physiological flooding during conflict
Creating rituals of connection and shared meaning
Progress often comes from practicing these skills consistently when outside of the therapy space, not just understanding them intellectually. Collaboration between the couple and the therapist is an important part of the process; feedback from the couple on their practice of tools provides valuable information for therapists to help make tools more accessible and effective.
A Collaborative (Not Judgmental) Space
Finally, couples therapy using the Gottman Method is designed to be non-blaming, respectful of both partners and their experiences, and focused on a couple’s strengths as well as challenges.
The therapist’s role is to guide, coach, and support—not to act as a referee or judge.
Final Thoughts
Couples therapy is a unique process with its own goals, boundaries, and ethical considerations. When working with a Gottman-trained therapist, you can expect a structured, research-based approach where the relationship is the client, transparency supports trust, and both partners are invited to build something stronger together.
If you’re considering couples therapy, knowing what to expect can make taking that first step feel a little less overwhelming—and a lot more hopeful.
Interested in learning more about Gottman Method couples therapy at Alliance Therapy Group in Barrie? Reach out to us at admin@alliancetherapygroup.com or book a free 15 minute consultation with Catherine through our website or with her directly at catherine@alliancetherapygroup.com
