Boundaries & Benefits
In a world where there are expectations to be available 24/7, and that often demands more than we can give, boundaries can act as the invisible lines that protect our energy, time, and mental health. Setting and holding boundaries isn’t about keeping people out—it’s about creating the space needed for you to feel comfortable and able to engage. Healthy boundaries can help to foster respect, improve interpersonal relationships, and preserve your emotional and mental health.
But let’s face it: holding boundaries is not always easy. In fact, sometimes it is downright hard! Whether it’s a persistent colleague, a guilt-trip from a loved one, or even your inner people-pleaser or self-critic, boundaries can be (and are often) tested. Here we explore what boundaries are, why they’re important, and the tools you can use to help maintain them.
What Are Boundaries and Why Do They Matter?
Boundaries are guidelines, rules, or limits that define how we want to be treated and how we will treat others. They are the scripting for the dynamics of our relationships and outline what we are comfortable with and what we are not comfortable with. It can be helpful to think of them as a personal firewall or forcefield, keeping out what doesn’t serve you and protecting what does.
Boundaries matter because they:
Prevent burnout by ensuring we don’t overextend ourselves
Build mutual comfort, trust, and respect in relationships
Reduce the occurrence of resentment building in relationships
Help you prioritize our own needs
Protect your mental and emotional health
The Common Types of Boundaries
Physical Boundaries: are boundaries in relation to your personal space, body, and property. For instance, they can include deciding who can enter your home, how much personal space you need in social situations, who is allowed to touch you, or what you are comfortable with in intimate relationships.
Emotional Boundaries: are boundaries in relation to protecting your feelings. They involve recognizing your thoughts and emotions as separate from others and limiting emotional labor when you’re feeling drained, which can include letting someone know we are not in a space to talk.
Time Boundaries: are boundaries in relation to how you spend your time. They can include saying no to unnecessary obligations, setting specific work hours to maintain work-life balance, or letting someone know you cannot fit their request into your schedule.
Cognitive Boundaries: are boundaries in relation to your thoughts, cognitive experience, and mental load. Cognitive boundaries can help you to engage in respectful dialogue without feeling coerced into agreement and can look like choosing who you share your thoughts or opinions with or choosing what you take on cognitively.
Material Boundaries: are boundaries in relation to your material possessions or resources, how you handle them and whether or how you allow others to engage with them. Material boundaries can include your possessions, finances, food, or other resources, and can involve, lending clothes, skills, or money only when it’s genuinely feasible for you.
Digital Boundaries: are boundaries in relation to technology and technological use. In today’s tech-driven world, these can include deciding how often you engage with technology, in what ways you engage with technology, the internet, or people online via technology.
Some Important Aspects of Boundaries
There are a few important things to remember about boundaries and holding them.
First, it can be helpful to use the if/then structure. Using the if/then structure for boundaries looks like “if you choose [blank], then I choose [blank]”, which allows you to recognize that others have their own choices and autonomy, and you have your own choices and autonomy. It is important that when setting boundaries we are focusing on our own action, what we choose to do in the given situation or dynamics. An example of an if then boundary is “if you choose to keep yelling, then I am going to leave the conversation until we are both able to discuss this calmy”. It is important to note you do not need to use that language when communicating boundaries – use the language that feels most comfortable for you. Boundaries that do not use if/then phrasing can sound like “I noticed you got angry earlier, it is ok to be angry but it is not ok to slam doors”
Second, remember when using the if/then formula that boundaries are not ultimatums. Some key differences between boundaries and ultimatums are that boundaries do not attempt to change or control the behaviour of others and focus on what is within our control, ultimatums focus on others and attempt to control or change their behaviour. Boundaries are also not requests. Requests involve asking another to change their behaviour and are unenforceable, where boundaries are informing another of our own behavioural choice, they do not require a change in the other person and are within our control to enforce.
Third, holding the boundary is a critical part of boundaries As mentioned earlier, boundaries are often pushed back on, so it is important that you are setting boundaries that you are comfortable to hold. What makes holding boundaries so important? Consider this, when asked “how many times do you have to do that [repeat a boundary] before it is recognized”, Brene Brown responded with “there’s a harder question that you need to ask, how many times do you backslide before they don’t believe you? … you have to backslide once before they know [it is not a boundary you will hold]”. Holding a boundary is what allows the other to learn the rules of engagement for you and what you are comfortable with.
If you find that others are not respecting your boundaries, it may be helpful to explore how you are holding your boundaries, and whether additional or different boundaries would have a different impact on the situation or relationship.
Tools for Holding Boundaries
Now that we know what boundaries are, and why it is important to hold them, let’s explore tools to enforce them:
1. Self-Awareness
The first step to setting boundaries is understanding your limits, where you are ok to negotiate and where you are not, and what you are comfortable with. If you are uncertain of your boundaries, try reflecting on what triggers discomfort or stress in your life. Journaling can also help you pinpoint areas where boundaries are lacking or have been crossed.
2. Clear Communication
Communicating boundaries doesn’t have to be confrontational. Use "I" statements to express your needs clearly. For example:
Instead of: "You’re always interrupting me, just let me speak!"
Try: "If we cannot take turns in the conversation we are having, then I am going to choose to take a break and come back to this conversation in an hour"
3. The Power of “No”
“No” is a complete sentence. Saying it doesn’t require lengthy explanations or guilt. You do not need to justify or explain your boundaries. Practice responding firmly but kindly, like: “I won’t be able to help this time but thank you for thinking of me.”
4. Consistency
Consistency is key when holding boundaries. If you waver, people might push to see if you’ll give in. Stand firm but compassionate, even when it feels uncomfortable. The more you navigate the discomfort, the more you work on and develop your tolerance for discomfort and the skills to navigate it. Keep in mind, consistency is not rigidity, it is ok and healthy to have permeable boundaries that have some flexibility.
5. Time Management Tools
Use planners, apps, or calendars to organize your day. Block out time for self-care or relaxation and treat it as non-negotiable.
6. Support Systems
Lean on friends, family, or therapists who respect your boundaries and can provide encouragement when you need reinforcement. Ask others how they hold boundaries or navigate the discomfort of holding boundaries. Identify any role models for boundaries in your support network and see if you can practice some of the skills they use.
7. Emotional Regulation Techniques
When people push your boundaries, it can trigger strong emotions. Deep breathing, mindfulness, or taking a pause before responding can help you approach situations calmly. Slow yourself down, focus on what is within your control, and consider your values - which can often inform our boundaries and actions.
Overcoming Common Challenges
Guilt: It’s natural to feel guilty when setting boundaries, especially if you’re used to putting others first. Remind yourself that your needs are just as important.
Pushback: Not everyone will appreciate your boundaries, and that’s okay. Those who respect you will adjust; those who don’t may need to re-evaluate how you are engaging and the level of access to you that is permitted to that individual.
Self-Doubt: You might question whether your boundaries are "too much." Trust your intuition—if something feels wrong, it likely is. Start with smaller boundaries in safer spaces to help build confidence and skills with boundaries.
Final Thoughts
Setting and holding boundaries is an act of respect towards yourself and others. Boundaries are required for compassion and empathy in our connections with ourselves and others, we cannot fully connect with others unless there is a clear distinction between our autonomy and their autonomy. Allowing you to create relationships and a lifestyle that align with your values and needs. While it can feel challenging at first, it is the same as learning other new skills – there is discomfort, you make mistakes, you practice, you build skills, and you improve, making it easier to engage in over time.
Remember: you have the right to protect your energy, time, and well-being. You don’t have to do it perfectly, but you owe it to yourself to try.
Clear is kind, unclear is unkind – Brene Brown
References
Brand, R. (Host). (2019, June 23). Vulnerability & Power: Brene Brown & Russell Brand. [video]. Youtube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?app=desktop&v=SM1ckkGwqZI&t=100s
Brown, B. (2022). Atlas of the heart: mapping meaningful connection and the language of human experience. Random House.
Chernata, T. (2024). Personal boundaries: definition, role, and impact on mental health. Personality and Environmental Issues, 3(1), 24-30. https://doi.org/10.31652/2786-6033-2024-3(1)-24-30
Magee, H. (2022). Requests vs. boundaries vs. ultimatums: The ultimate guide. Gottman Institute.
Martin, S. (2021). The better boundaries workbook: a CBT-based program to help you set limits, express your needs, and create healthy relationships. New Harbinger Publications.
